of my minds
I stir the pot, fix the holes, and observe the reality as it is. Propagandist for hire.
A Matter of Minds/of Parenting, Long Talks and Very Much Relationship in General
I get angry with the mirror sometimes, because it's trying to define me.
I finally figure that out, these past few days, granted my volume of conversation I had with my parents is diminishing compared to two or three years ago, quality or quantity wise. This kind of situation then made my fear comes true, like after missed out your friends for a few years the moment you met them, they have transformed into this beings which you can't understand again. You remembered them for what they were, but the truth is they have developed and experienced much. So as you.
I began the talk by arguing why I can't learn from mistakes? why should I be protected and believe "what mother knows best" is the best for me. As always the arguments that my parents had are the arguments which I have heard plenty of times during the past few years and trust me, though the quality or the quantity is low, I'm still listening for what they have to say. Out of respect perhaps, but most probably because I'm a true believer that the purpose you had in this world is to learn about the things on the earth and beyond.
The talk expanded from minutes to hours and I can see clearly that my mother is tired, but I still force her to go for it. if it's not now then this will be dragged again into whatever time in the future. I tried to explain that things have developed for me, I had learn things from her sayings, from my experiences and the experiences of others. Stories would be proven to have the same effect.
Previously I had to explained to her that it is a vicious cycle for not believing that I had developed, which in the end she just keep repeating the same stories because she believed that I would still make the same mistake in the future. Worse than a donkey I might say. But then I tried to explain that this cycle is unproductive and only would be proven to make me sick of all the same sayings. Thus I began to explain things to her, I began to let go a piece of my minds I always keep for myself and the results are just awestruck.
She couldn't understand me. she said in her words, that I have become wiser, yes but I also developed to this being which is eerily complicated and advanced so that her minds can't follow my train of thoughts anymore. I say deeply in my heart, you are not the only person who thinks that way, I myself sometimes keep getting confused of myself. Thus explaining the opening sentences.
Parenting is tough yes. While I am a modern child of the universe, my parents are still this simple minded fellow whom I adore and envy at the same time. They've been blessed to be able to raised a child like me and my sister and I studying from them will try to raise my own child with a lots or bits of their teachings.
In the end, we make a pact. I will try to increase the quantity and quality of conversation, while her at the same time will also try to understand my behaviour and began asking about matters she's quite hesitate to ask at first. And I promised myself to learn to express it in a non-delicate ways, which is ok because of the learnings I might need to learn.
Accelerator-Primal Scream
1. Put your music on shuffle.2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer. 3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS! 4. Tag 12 friends who might enjoy doing the memo as well as the person you got the memo from.
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
I Didn't See Her-The Observatory
So I guess it's not ok then?
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY
Untitled-The Pigeon Detectives
Spot on.
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
In My Arms-Snow Patrol
Well I did like a girl if she's in my arms.
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
So Long, Lonesome-Explosions in The Sky
It's being a very long day.
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
The One I Love-David Gray
Mulai Ngawur
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Cornerstone-Arctic Monkeys
cornerstone |ˈkôrnərˌstōn|
noun
a stone that forms the base of a corner of a building, joining two walls.
Eughhhh a matchmaker?
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Make Luv
Why why in the world I had this song on my computer?
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
The Space Between All Things-Idlewild
Now that you think about it......
WHAT IS 2+2?
Life in Mono-Formica Blues
Eh?
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Planet New Earth-Lorien
My best friend is a martian!
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Love It All-The Kooks
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Alone in The Sun-Leaves
That is sad, but what’s make it sadder is that it is true.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Untitled-Architecture in Helsinki
AGAIN???
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Now You Are Pregnant-The Wave Pictures
Seriously guys.... it's a funeral
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Hopes-Rock and Roll Mafia
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
In Competition For The Worst Time-Idlewild
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Treehouse-I'm From Barcelona
What?
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Hanging Around-Future King of Spain
Too much hanging around?
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Tangled Up in Blue-Bob Dylan
Some of them are I suppose, some others have found happiness
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Clock Patience-People in Planes
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Bird-Pattern is Movement
Eh?
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Danny Boy-Johnny Cash
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Gravity of Love-Enigma
Falling in love with the wrong person?
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
The Coast is Always Changing-Maximo Park
Drowned?
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
We Are The Pipettes-The Pipettes
So?
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Your English is Good-Tokyo Police Club
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
An Ape is Loose-Khonnor
And it chase me through the streets?
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Quiet Houses-Fleet Foxes
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Accelerator-Primal Scream
On Life
Everybody asked about life and I always said the same thing over and over again, no matter what you do there are no right things or wrong things in life. It's just a case of moving forward, learning and struggling. Happiness is real when shared. So do share it with the world.
Make yourself happy. By worrying less about other people that have hurt you.
Live and let live. Because you only live once.
Make mistakes and be a fool. With that you can learn about all the new things.
Stay hungry and curious. Everything would not be served to you anyway.
Forgive mistakes people made. But never once forgotten about it.
And don't ever lose hope. don't ever be lazy to try.
Lucky those who die young, because they never taste the bitterness of the world. But the people who die of old age and have the chance to taste the world and learn from it are far more fortunate.
I'm afraid
Suddenly I'm afraid of moving forward. I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision, believing something not worth believing.
I'm afraid to leave my comfort zone, I'm afraid to begin something anew.
I don't know how it happens though, like how stars in the night covered by the bleak dark clouds. You can't guess where they would come, because sky's and horizon share the same shades.
"There's no right or wrong in life, what's there is only the move forward, the pursuit and the struggle"
Yet I am afraid now.
Desires
In the past there was time where I desires something, in which it end up with I didn't get what I desires.mostly. And in turn I can accept that.
Now this heart desires again, and no I don't think I can accept if I didn't get it.
Because as bleak as the future is, I can feel that the universe have adjusting itself for this moment.
And if not, I'll let them know, that I myself will adjust them.
A Let Off
Some people likes it when after a long day, they go to a bar, chit chat with their friends telling stupid stories and have a laugh. Others may smoke and drink coffee while having tapas.
Some go back have a sleep or slumped down watching DVD
or Some others writings about what should he/she should've done.
Either way, happy long weekend everybody.
To Embrace Changes
ACCOMMODATING POINT,, Paulo Coelho wrote on 11FEB2010,, In one of my books (The Zahir), I try to understand why people are so afraid of changing. When I was right in the middle of writing the text, I came across an odd interview with a woman who had just written a book on – guess what? – love.
The journalist asks whether the only way a human being can become happy is to find their beloved. The woman says no:
“Love changes, and nobody understands that. The idea that love leads to happiness is a modern invention, dating from the late 17th century. From that time on, people have learned to believe that love should last for ever and that marriage is the best way to exercise love. In the past there was not so much optimism about the longevity of passion.
“Romeo and Juliet isn’t a happy story, it’s a tragedy. In the last few decades, expectation has grown a lot regarding marriage being the path towards personal accomplishment. Disappointment and dissatisfaction have also grown at the same time.”
According to the magical practices of the witchdoctors in the North of Mexico, there is always an event in our lives that is responsible for our having stopped making progress. A trauma, a particularly bitter defeat, disappointment in love, even a victory that we fail to quite understand, ends up making us act cowardly and incapable of moving ahead. The witchdoctor finds and gets rid of this “accommodating point”. To do so, he has to review our life and discover where this point lies.
Why?
Because, according to the story that we were told, at a certain moment in our lives “we reach our limit”. There are no more changes to be made. We won’t grow any more. Both professionally and in love, we have reached the ideal point, and it’s best to leave things as they are. But the truth is that we can always go further. Love more, live more, risk more.
Immobility is never the best solution. Because everything around us changes (including love) and we must accompany that rhythm.
I have been married to the same person for 30 years, but methaphorically speaking, the same marriage contains several “new marriages” during our relationship. Our bodies and souls changed, and we are still togeher. If we wanted to keep on as we were in 1979, I don’t think we would have come so far.
In my humble opinion:
I agree with the concept of changes and moving in the the part of our life, especially in the term of marriage or just simply living our life. but then again, but people are sometimes too afraid to move forward and just learn something new. They afraid to leave their comfort zones.
In our life we are controlled by several sets of rules which are given to us in various forms like constitutions, religious dogma and protocols, but it is our decision to break or upkeep those rules and to live our life like we wanted to be.
Why?
Because I believe we live only once and life itself it's a process of trial and errors. We learn something new and we'll discover something due to those changes. This will bring me to my next believe; changes in life are never bad, even though how scary it would be. This is simply because through changes you'll learn new things and by learning those things you'll have the experiences to teach your offspring how life should be lived.
The conclusion that I want to make is I'm all agree with Coelho with his point regarding the changes in life, the big or the small, the significant or non-significant and expected or unexpected. It's just the matter whether we want to embrace it or not.
Breathless
This is not about when I think that 24 hours is no longer enough for me. This is about myself hardly have time for me.
Juggling creativity, responsibility and to put it all into an activity with my company are leaving me often breathless.
When the only time that my sanctity is intact is when I am in the toilet cubicle.
Double edged sword I must say. Last time it’s company and activity that I seek, now it’s the tranquility and the ever rare serenity.
And yet after experiencing both, I still don’t know what I want yet alone what I need.
The Times They Are a Changin'
I have plenty to write but I did not seems to know how to start. But here it goes: The Beginning of The Spiraling Madness
I've always said to myself and to others, that changes whatever the form it would be is always a great thing to do. Not only it allows you to embark and see new stuff, experience new things and learning about all possibilities.
But then again when changes come in rapidly I myself have to struggle and keeping my head above the water.
Would things be better without the rapid changes then? I always ask that question to myself.
Let's start on the beginning the very beginning: the decision to join the workforce, experience the world and have yourself shaped by the mock cruelty of the world are all the words and descriptions that my mother would tell me when I asked that I still want to stay in the fortress. Now after a year almost passed, I think that the words and descriptions have been ringing true. Then again I didn't expect it be like this.
Swift and powerful it may seems but the changes are chronically over and over sweeping me off my feet.
And when the time to breathe come, I hardly believe that things that surround me have been wildly changes without I even allowing or prohibiting it from.
It's the same feeling that arises when you're getting kidnapped, blindfolded and taken to a place that you did not know existed and getting executed without knowing who or for what matter you're deserve to get such treatment.
Such is life they say, you'll never get what you want or what you deserve. But later on you'll see that those you get are what you'll need.
Now time already passed, but still the past haunts me every now and then.
Logic and Emotion
Come to think of it, the matters that happen to me are probably because of the everlasting clash between logic and emotion. No matter what the head say it's always the heart that leads.
Such matter caused by this is always wrenching, because no matter what I argument would I say, I always be in the losing side. then again I'm having my argument with emotional being after all.
Tiring as it may seems, it serves me as a reminder from time to time.
Profound New Tiredness
Liberation.yes. I do feel liberated after all the events surrounding me unfolded.
Betrayed.yes. what can I say? do I imagine that these kind of things will happen to me? not if I am able to know what happens behind my back.
But then again I did feel tired.
I felt that I just want to sleep in the everlasting storms that had come and will come to me.
I wanted to be swept away by those storms, carried over to the calm. waking up in a state of newborn, without memories. Blank as the white paper.
But as I said, that's what I want, not what I need, and it's not me who decide what I need or which one I do not need.
Then I kept my head high and lead my way out. Till to the point that I almost have no time for myself.
Such again tiredness come to me, not as the storm. But as the struggle. Strangely enough I do feel that this will last even longer. I do feel that contentment and fulfillment is merely a concept, an imagination or fatamorgana to be exact.
It is as bleak as my future. Unimaginable beyond the point of age that I have now.
Such these are the words of me. In which I hope peace and grace would've come easily.
But if the struggle it is to be. Then what can I say?
"Protect me from what I want but give me what I need"
Cheers
Start of The End of This Decade
First and foremost, let us pray in silence for the former President Abdurrahman Wahid, which left us earlier yesterday. He may seems as a witty and emotional person, but he also the one that promote pluralism in Indonesia. Finally after not writing for quite some time (not because of the writer's block, it's just that at that time I only wanted to amuse myself) I decided to write again and due to the dates, what more can be best than writing your new year's resolution?
On my last ones I believe I have accomplished my resolutions but one, that is because the condition does not allow me to complete that, not because I did not want to.
So here I go with my 2010 resolutions:
- Start on Project 365 and consistently keep it running.
- Be more accountable.
- Less procrastinating and be more productive.
- Save more money.
- Travel more!
- Live the healthy way.
- Try to cycle everyday.
- Try to cook everyday.
- Be more greener.
- Live without debts and Blackberry.
- Buy my sister a Spiderman notebook.
- Learn diving.
- Climb at least 2 mountains.
- Go to Halong Bay!
- Learn, Write, Read and Listen More.
- Know what I want and what I need as well as what I am worth of.
- Do the coming of age ritual: travelling solo!
Much more than my last one, but I believe I still can fulfill this one. 2009 have teach me a lot, so I guess 2010 would consisted of more struggling. I only hope I can achieve a period of contentment in the coming year.
That's it, I'm off and Happy New Year Everybody!
Godspeed
Now listening to: Mew-Sometimes Life Isn't Easy
I may not have the ending I wanted
But then again I have the experiences none of those had
Ego
A part of me would be very happy of where am I now. Another part would be very disappointed, because I couldn’t have the trivial parts.
After all the talk of the insignificant speck dust in the universe and how life is over-rated.
I am still a human after all.
Darkness
There's an immeasurable darkness in my heart, and it kept growing due to the uncertainty nature of the reality.
However, dark may it seems, uncontrollable may it be. I still refused to be controlled by it and may lights shine through eventually.
KL in A Flash
"After leaving Malaysia for a year after my graduations, I finally went back to witness my sister's graduation ceremony. Congratulations to her and congratulate also for the rest of the young bloods. May the force be with you always. And this is a glimpse of KL that I'm able to capture during that short period of time."
A Retrospect
Yesterday something that I realized from a long time ago, struck me back with a velocity I can't imagine. It was the thoughts that we yearn for support whenever we're down and once we're able to stand on our feet and move again we quickly forget that support. I felt like I am a dickhead, who takes things for granted, because I only yearn support when I'm down not once I wanted to share my independence with this support.
So here goes
I once promise myself in the past, "I'll devote my life to he/she who's able to lift me up, makes me move on, laugh all the things and preferably to accompany me always". Now I can say, I've been lucky to found such person.
Not only I thanked her for she wants to help me around that times, I also very grateful for she wants to spend her days with me.
In a very sensical world she's probably the comforting sounds, pleasing sights, sweet taste, soft touch and hypnoting smell. Yet above all it all did not make sense because she just suddenly completes me.
Cheers
For those who asked.
Never doubt me for my commitment on something, I may falter and fall but I will always return and fix all the mistakes I made.
Mirror-mirror on the wall
How dare you define me, for I did not know how to understand myself.
A Travel Through Time
Done it on the last weekend and finally have the chance to visit the infamous Cafe Batavia as well. Last time I visited here the area is crowded with exhibition, this time it was the sea of people and the sellers as well as tweenies from school.
The Wisdom and Knowledge of The Taxi Driver-part 1
"In many parts of the world there's always the group of people who run the streets, both night and day. They interact with vast number of people of different characters, while they themselves are also a people of character, whom sometimes annoying, plain hilarious, shady, cool, educated or street smart. Some of them are very fond of speaking their minds, while others are very shy. These are the collection of the wisdom and knowledge of the taxi drivers, whom are kind enough to share and talk to me during my travel across Indonesia (mainly Jakarta)."
- On the recent terrorist attack: "The xxxx must be the one behind the attacks in Indonesia and the rest of the world, just take alook at 9/11 why are most of the xxxx employees are taking leave on that day?"
- On Indonesia's Independence: "Indonesia has it all. It has achieved its independence, it's a prosperous country, its beauty is unsurpassed, pity it lacks one thing. Justice."
- On Swine flu or any other flu: "Isn't swine or the bird flu is created as a biological weapon? It's politics all along I tell you."
- On the increasing number of AIDS patient in rural area particularly Papua: "There's only one explanation why the incidence rate is so much higher in Papua compared to Jakarta (in which has higher number of prostitute). The lack of education." ~ I added "as well as the low economic power"
- On prostitution: "The prostitute along this street is really not a prostitute at all, they dress nicely not wearing any skimpy clothes yet often I see they're often being picked up by cars. Those who pick up must have a spare money on their sleeve, heck if I had some I'd probably do it as well"