Here Comes 2016

2015 ended yesterday, I always felt that one year passes too quickly, however this one ended especially quick. The year ended by leaving more questions than ever, some of which that I should have figured out earlier in life I suppose.

In 2015 I changed my career, if people ask me "why?" I'd probably answer like how George Mallory answered "because it's there". The next person will say I've done a 180 degree turn, where I would retort that I am just changing from driving a car to sailing in a boat. The career change gets me busy, to the extend that people said it changed my social life and personal life, but then have I really changed or I am just too good in controlling myself previously?

In between that I managed to pull through in helping to publish two photobooks, Saujana Sumpu by Yoppy Pieter and LAB by TFoTP Editorial team. Looking forward for more opportunities like this next year. I also write for a magazine, it was fun, waiting for the payment was not. Still more writing and editing is something that I hoped to do more often

As usual life made some unexpected turns, I made new friends, almost made some enemies. God, I hate making enemies, please don't ever do that to me. If I didn't talk to any of you, perhaps the status quo is better as compared to what could happen next, or at least that's what I like to believe in.

I also tried to fix a lot of mess, some of which couldn't be fixed and some of I can fixed. At the end of it, all of the problems left me tired and restless. I end up putting my hands and feet everywhere. In 2015, a quiet Sunday would only be a mirage, something that I desire however it's impossible to have.

This, I guess has been to put me in a lot of stress, to the extend I do no longer understand of what I want and what I need and whether I am living the life I wanted or somebody else's. I often find myself with a company of strangers who become friends and friends that almost become strangers. At its worse, I could looking up at the mirror at 3 AM, catching a glimpse of my eyes where the reflection said back to me "What the hell are you doing?" At its best? well I guess it has yet to come.

Amidst all that, I could still stand at Bundaran HI last night, where the fireworks goes off one after the other. I looked at the horizons and to the eyes of Krida, Fuad and Ayu and the rest of the people there. What I see is the glimmer of hope for 2016, then I figure out I gotta have some too. At the very least to keep me move forward.

So, Here comes 2016.

A Quarter of Century

I believe I'll die young, I believe in my heart that I won't be there to see the sun rises on my 25th birthday, but yet here I am, living and writing this piece. So how does it feels to turn to a quarter of century as living breathing person? as me?

I felt tired.

As much as I accustomed to birthdays, this is the only one where I felt tired. Tired because I have been tied to my jobs, my life and my commitments. I'm tired because I felt that I haven't achieve anything (in one aspect) but also tired of all the work that I have done (thus have been achieved or yet to achieve, in another aspect). Yet I am still eager to see what's there on the horizon, the unseen and yet to come and brace if not march towards it. This eagerness also one of the reason I still survive to this day.

So what's there for me in the future?

I know, I will soon move back to Malaysia and looking forward for the opportunity to learn something new again. To look with another perspectives and to catch up with what I haven't been doing last time. After that? who knows. Probably the world, probably back to Indonesia or probably stay there.

That said, I would like to say that I am being very grateful for every support that I had, from my families and friends, from Felisia, from others whom I talked and discuss with. From those who leave their marks on me, long lasting impression that will I remember and for those I haven't met but will later on.

God speed to you all.

The Times They Are a Changin'

I have plenty to write but I did not seems to know how to start. But here it goes: The Beginning of The Spiraling Madness

I've always said to myself and to others, that changes whatever the form it would be is always a great thing to do. Not only it allows you to embark and see new stuff, experience new things and learning about all possibilities.

But then again when changes come in rapidly I myself have to struggle and keeping my head above the water.

Would things be better without the rapid changes then? I always ask that question to myself.

Let's start on the beginning the very beginning: the decision to join the workforce, experience the world and have yourself shaped by the mock cruelty of the world are all the words and descriptions that my mother would tell me when I asked that I still want to stay in the fortress. Now after a year almost passed, I think that the words and descriptions have been ringing true. Then again I didn't expect it be like this.

Swift and powerful it may seems but the changes are chronically over and over sweeping me off my feet.

And when the time to breathe come, I hardly believe that things that surround me have been wildly changes without I even allowing or prohibiting it from.

It's  the same feeling that arises when you're getting kidnapped, blindfolded and taken to a place that you did not know existed and getting executed without knowing who or for what matter you're deserve to get such treatment.

Such is life they say, you'll never get what you want or what you deserve. But later on you'll see that those you get are what you'll need.

Now time already passed, but still the past haunts me every  now and then.

Logic and Emotion

Come to think of it, the matters that happen to me are probably because of the everlasting clash between logic and emotion. No matter what the head say it's always the heart that leads.

Such matter caused by this is always wrenching, because no matter what I argument would I say, I always be in the losing side. then again I'm having my argument with emotional being after all.

Tiring as it may seems, it serves me as a reminder from time to time.

Profound New Tiredness

Liberation.yes.  I do feel liberated after all the events surrounding me unfolded.

Betrayed.yes. what can I say? do I imagine that these kind of things will happen to me? not if I am able to know what happens behind my back.

But then again I did feel tired.

I felt that I just want to sleep in the everlasting storms that had come and will come to me.

I wanted to be swept away by those storms, carried over to the calm. waking up in a state of newborn, without memories. Blank as the white paper.

But as I said, that's what I want, not what I need, and it's not me who decide what I need or which one I do not need.

Then I kept my head high and lead my way out. Till to the point that I almost have no time for myself.

Such again tiredness come to me, not as the storm. But as the struggle. Strangely enough I do feel that this will last even longer. I do feel that contentment and fulfillment is merely a concept, an imagination or fatamorgana to be exact.

It is as bleak as my future. Unimaginable beyond the point of age that I have now.

Such these are the words of me. In which I hope peace and grace would've come easily.

But if the struggle it is to be. Then what can I say?

"Protect me from what I want but give me what I need"

Cheers